


Learning and Losing One's Place

by ItsYourLife



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Big Brother Itachi, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Itachi - Freeform, Itachi and Sasuke, Itachi commits suicide, Juugo - Freeform, Karin - Freeform, Karin Uzumaki - Freeform, Kimimaro / Juugo, Kimimaro/Juugo - Freeform, Pro Sasuke, Sasuke - Freeform, Sasuke and itachi, Suigetsu - Freeform, The Uchiha Clan, The Uchiha Massacre, Uchiha Itachi - Freeform, Uchiha Massacre, Uchiha Sasuke - Freeform, Uchiha Sasuke-centric, Uzumaki Karin - Freeform, itachi uchiha - Freeform, pro Sasuke uchiha, sasuke uchiha - Freeform, team hebi - Freeform, team taka - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29659500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsYourLife/pseuds/ItsYourLife
Summary: In the wake of the massacre, Sasuke, who knows the truth about it, tries to find a place for himself in Konoha. In the end, he gives up.
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

On the night after his rooftop fight with Naruto, Sasuke knew the truth. Unbeknownst to everyone else who was alive, he had known the truth about Itachi, about the deaths of his clansmen, about Mother and Father, since the night of the massacre. He had returned to the compound to find corpses scattered all around the dirt roads. Itachi, lying at home on the kitchen floor, a few feet away from Mother and Father, in a pool of his own blood, had been the only one who had still been alive. With his last few breaths and his new eyes - scarlet, with the wheel of three tomoe turning inside of them - he'd bequeathed to Sasuke his own memories of what had taken place and his hope that his little brother would lead a lengthy, good life as a loyal shinobi of the Leaf.

Father, Mother and the Uchiha clan elders had been planning an insurrection. They would dethrone Hiruzen so that an Uchiha could replace him as Hokage. Though Lord Third had done his best to negotiate with them, they couldn't be reasoned with. The Uchiha had been mad, arrogant and hungry for power. Had they been allowed the opportunity to insurrect, Konoha would have been thrown into a state of civil war. Moreover, there had been the trouble of the Curse of Hatred. Within every person of Uchiha descent lay the predisposition to be overcome by an uncontrollable murderous hatred when grieved by the loss of one of his or her kin. For these reasons, on the day before the etc on which the coup would have taken place, Lord Third, seeing no alternative, had issued orders for the wholesale execution of the members of the clan. 

"You weren't meant to know the truth." Sasuke could still hear his brother's hoarse, faint voice, could still see the smile on those pale lips and feel the coolness of his hand upon his tear-sodden cheek. The sword with which he had pierced his own heart had been lying beside him, reflecting the light of the moon. "Lord Third promised to spare your life and protect you if I would only agree to shoulder the blame for this. And it would have been only right for me to bear the blame, for I . . .I betrayed Father. I did not want to see you, Mother and Father, or anyone else come to harm. I believed that if I divulged the coup plans to Lord Third . . . the urgency of the situation. . .would bring about the creation of an agreement that was suitable to both sides. . .before it was too late. I never. . .expected things to end this way. . .but I couldn't let you die believing that Mother and Father . . .left the world in a state of fear and indignity. . .or that your big brother, worthless as he was, did not love you. So live on. . .and be a good boy, 'touto. Try to embrace friendship. . .humility, love. . .and teamwork. You are good, clever, strong, talented and beautiful. If you'll do as I ask. . .perhaps someday you'll have at least one person . . .who loves you as much as Mother and Father and Oniichan did."

Sasuke, stricken with horror and grief, had been unable to conceal his knowledge of the truth from Hiruzen. 

“What your brother told you was true,” Hiruzen had conceded, standing there in the Hokage’s office with his back to a kneeling, silently-weeping Sasuke. “I did not ask explicitly him to withhold the truth from you, but I believed that the request had been implied when I asked him to take the blame for the massacre. Itachi was a true Leaf shinobi, a hero who put the welfare of the village as a whole above the love of kin and clan, but in the end, his grief at having sacrificed his family members must have overcome his sense of reason, driving him to make the decision to take his own life and to divulge the secret of the massacre to you. But, Sasuke, your brother sacrificed so that you would also become a loyal shinobi of the Leaf.”

Try to embrace friendship…humility, love…and teamwork. If you’ll do as I ask…perhaps someday you’ll have at least one person …who loves you as much as Mother and Father and Oniichan did.

Sasuke clung to those words with all his might, and, as he grew older, did his best to honor his brother’s final request. Though he wasn’t conscious of the fact, however, deep down inside, his hope was that by being a good boy, heeding Itachi’s instructions, he could somehow bring his family back. 

He did his best to internalize and display humility. He understood his place in society. He was Uchiha Sasuke, a cool, good-looking prodigy, the possessor of a dojutsu that was feared, envied and sought-after, the object of popular admiration, but he was also the sole survivor of a cursed clan, a clan that the other residents of the Leaf would rather not have around at all. Accordingly, he did his best to forget his mother, his father and the other members of the clan, for when he remembered them, he felt a mixture of sadness and anger - anger that was so powerful that it made him question and fear himself - fear the grip of the Curse of Hatred. He only allowed himself to remember Itachi. It was right to remember Itachi, for Itachi was a hero to the Leaf.

Sasuke tried to exercise teamwork and display kindness. He did not rebuff Haruno Sakura when she begged for his romantic attention, but did his best to reject her gently or tolerate her advances in silence. When she criticized Uzumaki Naruto and attributed his character flaws to his lack of a parental figure, he swallowed the anger he felt, bit his tongue and walked away. When they failed Kakashi’s bell test and Naruto was tied to a post, Sasuke attempted to feed him his own lunch. As they spent more time with one another, he began to see in that loudmouthed, quick-tempered, hotheaded boy some of the same loneliness that he himself felt, and so he gravitated more towards him. And so, in the Land of Waves, having learned that he and his teammates had been duped into taking on an S-ranked mission, Sasuke trained hard, but, during his leisure time, also watched over the oblivious Naruto from a distance. He stepped in to reprimand the reckless moron for overexerting himself during training and skipping meantime, and somehow, the two youngsters, who usually bickered, found himself training together until it was dark and the moon emerged from behind the clouds. All the while, against his will, Sasuke remembered the touch of his mother’s gentle hands as she’d plastered bandages over his bruises and scrapes and admonished her little one for training too hard.

In the face-off against Haku, he took that excruciatingly-painful Ice Needle attack to rescue Naruto. When asked why he had done it, he insisted that he did not know, that his body had moved on its own. The insistence was not a lie. Perhaps he would never know just why he had sacrificed himself for Naruto’s sake. But when the sweet darkness claimed him, before he returned to life, the smiling faces of Mother, Father and Oniichan filled his vision. The sound of Mother singing her favorite song was as sweet as the aroma of the dango that Father had brought home for Itachi and him.  
Sasuke, stricken with horror and grief, had been unable to conceal his knowledge of the truth from Hiruzen. 

“What your brother told you was true,” Hiruzen had conceded, standing there in the Hokage’s office with his back to a kneeling, silently-weeping Sasuke. “I did not ask explicitly him to withhold the truth from you, but I believed that the request had been implied when I asked him to take the blame for the massacre. Itachi was a true Leaf shinobi, a hero who put the welfare of the village as a whole above the love of kin and clan, but in the end, his grief at having sacrificed his family members must have overcome his sense of reason, driving him to make the decision to take his own life and to divulge the secret of the massacre to you. But, Sasuke, your brother sacrificed so that you would also become a loyal shinobi of the Leaf.”

Try to embrace friendship…humility, love…and teamwork. If you’ll do as I ask…perhaps someday you’ll have at least one person …who loves you as much as Mother and Father and Oniichan did.

Sasuke clung to those words with all his might, and, as he grew older, did his best to honor his brother’s final request. Though he wasn’t conscious of the fact, however, deep down inside, his hope was that by being a good boy, heeding Itachi’s instructions, he could somehow bring his family back. 

He did his best to internalize and display humility. He understood his place in society. He was Uchiha Sasuke, a cool, good-looking prodigy, the possessor of a dojutsu that was feared, envied and sought-after, the object of popular admiration, but he was also the sole survivor of a cursed clan, a clan that the other residents of the Leaf would rather not have around at all. Accordingly, he did his best to forget his mother, his father and the other members of the clan, for when he remembered them, he felt a mixture of sadness and anger - anger that was so powerful that it made him question and fear himself - fear the grip of the Curse of Hatred. He only allowed himself to remember Itachi. It was right to remember Itachi, for Itachi was a hero to the Leaf.

Sasuke tried to exercise teamwork and display kindness. He did not rebuff Haruno Sakura when she begged for his romantic attention, but did his best to reject her gently or tolerate her advances in silence. When she criticized Uzumaki Naruto and attributed his character flaws to his lack of a parental figure, he swallowed the anger he felt, bit his tongue and walked away. When they failed Kakashi’s bell test and Naruto was tied to a post, Sasuke attempted to feed him his own lunch. As they spent more time with one another, he began to see in that loudmouthed, quick-tempered, hotheaded boy some of the same loneliness that he himself felt, and so he gravitated more towards him. And so, in the Land of Waves, having learned that he and his teammates had been duped into taking on an S-ranked mission, Sasuke trained hard, but, during his leisure time, also watched over the oblivious Naruto from a distance. He stepped in to reprimand the reckless moron for overexerting himself during training and skipping meantime, and somehow, the two youngsters, who usually bickered, found himself training together until it was dark and the moon emerged from behind the clouds. All the while, against his will, Sasuke remembered the touch of his mother’s gentle hands as she’d plastered bandages over his bruises and scrapes and admonished her little one for training too hard.

In the face-off against Haku, he took that excruciatingly-painful Ice Needle attack to rescue Naruto. When asked why he had done it, he insisted that he did not know, that his body had moved on its own. The insistence was not a lie. Perhaps he would never know just why he had sacrificed himself for Naruto’s sake. But when the sweet darkness claimed him, before he returned to life, the smiling faces of Mother, Father and Oniichan filled his vision. The sound of Mother singing her favorite song was as sweet as the aroma of the dango that Father had brought home for Itachi and him.


	2. Chapter 2

"Niisan."

Sasuke's words broke the silence that had settled over the cave-dwelling in which he and his newest friends had made their home. Raindrops pelted the rocky roof and outer walls. Sasuke sat a few feet away from the campfire, hugging his knees, staring into the shadows. Nearest to the fire lay Suigetsu and Karin, who were rolled up in their blankets, fast asleep. Opposite of Sasuke sat Kimimaro, who had Juugo's head in his lap and was gently stroking his hair. Juugo, whose eyes had begun to grow heavy with drowsiness, became alert at the sound of Sasuke's voice.

"Hm?"

Sasuke hesitated for a long moment before he went on. 

"When you found me in the forest and stopped me from bleeding to death . . .I heard your voice, and I called out, thinking the voice belonged to my big brother Itachi. But . . .why did you save me . . .and tell me I could call you by . . .that title if I wanted to? Even though I was a Konoha ninja. . .even though you'd always kept to yourself before, afraid of losing control and hurting anyone. It was like committing to a lifelong bond. Why did you do all of that for me - and so readily?"

After some time, Juugo sat up, leaving Kimimaro's lap. He motioned for Sasuke to draw nearer, and, with a strange feeling of bashfulness, he crept over to sit beside him. Next to that great, muscular frame, he felt small, frail and childlike, not at all like the version of himself that he had been in the Leaf Village, the team leader who had had to be strong, quick-witted, cool and noble at all times in order to impress and protect his weaker teammates.   
In those days, Sasuke had thought that he'd known and understood his place as the only surviving member of a clan of arrogant, mentally-troubled and power-hungry people who had struggled with the concepts of friendship and teamwork. He had hoped to forget his mother and father and redeem himself by exercising teamwork and protecting Naruto and Sakura. More than that, with these endeavours, he had hoped to make Itachi's wish for him - that "perhaps someday you'll have at least one person . . .who loves you as much as Mother and Father and Oniichan did" - come true. 

The Chuunin Exams had changed things. He had received a Curse Mark from Orochimaru. His self-control had weakened, and his desire for power had begun to grow. He had worked with Kakashi to suppress the mark with some success. Then the Sand had launched an attack upon the Leaf. Team Seven had faced off against Gaara, and Sasuke had gone so far as to resort to the Curse Mark, but even with the additional power it had lent him, he had been beaten and rendered comatose. Naruto had been the one who had not only defeated Gaara, but had made allies of the Sand Siblings.

Their battle on the hospital rooftop had caused Sasuke to come to a realization: While once he had understood his place, by becoming inferior to Naruto, he had lost his place. Had he ever truly had a place to begin with? Curse Mark or no Curse Mark, had he been destined to be a danger to his friends from the day of his birth?

Not long after Orochimaru's attack upon the Leaf and his subsequent defeat, Sasuke had left the village. Naruto had pursued and confronted him. Livid with Sasuke for having become a deserter, abandoned his friends and, in his eyes, succumbed to selfish self-pity, Naruto had declared his intention to end Sasuke's life and, with it, their rivalry. He might have succeeded in killing Sasuke had he granted the Ninetails mastery over him, but he had wanted to prove that he could defeat him without resorting to that out of pride. 

Naruto's pride had cost him his victory. Sasuke defeated him and, thanks to the influence of the Mark, would have killed him if he hadn't remembered himself. A weak, sounded Naruto had made his way back to the village, but Sasuke, after a great deal of reflection, had decided that there had been nothing left for him to live for and that he would prefer to die by his own hand than risk causing another person pain ever again or be taken down in disgrace as if he were a mad dog. 

Now, however, he felt the warmth of Juugo's large, calloused hand upon his head. He was safe now, he had found a family, and, though it hadn't been a year since his departure from the Leaf, all of the feelings that he had had before were like memories from a distant past.

"You've wanted to ask me this for a while, haven't you?"

Sasuke said nothing. Juugo began to comb his hair with his fingers, and his gentleness reminded him of Mother's touch, the hardness and roughness of those fingertips of Father's touch. 

"Forgive me, Sasuke. You overestimate me." Juugo's voice, always quiet, became even softer than it usually was. "I acted out of selfishness."

To say that Sasuke was confounded would be an understatement. He drew back to study his face. "Selfishness?"

"Juugo." Kimimaro was reproving. "Stop it. There isn't a selfish bone in your body."

"No, Kimi, it's the truth. Sasuke, when you cried out for your big brother, I was filled with pity for you. You were a child - a lost child who had been hurt. Seeing you was like seeing a starving bird with a broken wing." Juugo paused. "But deep down, I knew that you wouldn't be safe around me. It was my loneliness, my desperation for companionship, that caused me to say what I did."

"And that's what you mean by 'selfishness'? You think you were selfish for not wanting to be alone for the rest of your life?" Sasuke wasn't criticizing - not yet, at least. He shared Kimimaro's feelings - Juugo was the last living person to whom he would ever attribute a fault like selfishness.

"There are times when you have to put the wellbeing others before your own. In a rush of weakness, I put my feelings first. Thanks to me, you could have been hurt."

Juugo's hand came to rest on Sasuke's head once again, but Sasuke could feel the unsteadiness of that hand. Juugo, who, when in his normal state, had always been a rock of calmness and stoicism, who seldom displayed emotion, was trembling.

"But if you hadn't taken me on and saved my life, if I hadn't managed to be your cage until Kimimaro-san came back for you, what would have happened to little Karin and Suigetsu? They would've still been alone if not for you."

"Sasuke." The word came out with the weight of sadness and weariness behind it. It was as though Juugo had more to say, but didn't feel that Sasuke would understand. And so Sasuke continued, albeit with more effort. Juugo had explained himself, and now he must take the plunge and explain his feelings.

"And I - I would've died even if you hadn't taken me on. I was the only who put myself in critical condition to begin with. To me, life meant nothing, anyway. It's only thanks to you - you, Kimimaro-san, Karin and Suigetsu that I - I. . ."

He trailed off and found that he could neither finish his little speech nor meet Juugo's eyes. Only once since the day of the massacre had he bared his soul like this to another person, and his outpouring of emotion, his confession of friendship, had ended in a fight that had come close to killing him and Naruto.

"Otouto." Without warning, Juugo encircled Sasuke with his arms. Sasuke, too startled to react, allowed himself to be swallowed up by this enormous, warm embrace. The members of the team, with the exception of Kimimaro, to whose unsolicited, liberal displays of affection Juugo had had to grow accustomed, weren't much given to embracing or kissing one another, least of all Juugo, who showed his care in quiet and practical ways. On the rare occasion that he was hugged, Sasuke was still caught off-guard - and he still melted from the inside out.

"Otouto." He could hear in Juugo's voice that he was smiling - another thing that didn't often happen. "Thanks."


End file.
